I’m starting to think that an online relationship isn’t for me. But I’m not quite ready to expose myself and my kinks to the real world. So I feel like I’m back a square one in my journey.
Maybe I’m just to needy. While I desire nothing more than being providing service to him, I have to have something to service. I have to feel like I’m wanted and desired.
The things that originally attracted me to him were his willingness for communication and desire to be friends as well as be my Master. He offered guidance and to mentor me, and our kinks matched up pretty well.
And it was fun! I looked forward to talking to him on a regular basis. I enjoyed dressing how he wanted me too and trying to please him. He was always reassuring and supportive. He pushed me and helped me explore myself in ways I never thought another person could do. I LIKED him.
Real life gets busy, I get that. And I keep telling myself that I’m just being too needy, but I question it more and more. I’m still learning and trying to gain confidence in myself. I’m still unsure that I do things right and I’m really hard on myself to try to be good. I feel like I did something wrong and I just haven’t been told.
The first thing we talked about was communication. It was that important to me. I don’t require a lot of it, I just don’t want to feel forgotten. And that’s how I feel right now. A message a day saying I’m tired and nothing else isn’t communication. Especially after some pretty lengthy end of day messages I’ve sent, or questions I’ve asked with no reply. Or even, the fact that I haven’t sent any lengthy messages, pretty much breaking my rules. Still nothing.
That’s okay though, it’s been a real eye opener for me. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. Not at this level anyway. Maybe I need to step back and reevaluate things, decide what is important to me and move a bit slower with things.
I feel like I’m being too needy, but is it really asking that much to need to feel wanted.