Needy.

I’m starting to think that an online relationship isn’t for me.  But I’m not quite ready to expose myself and my kinks to the real world.  So I feel like I’m back a square one in my journey.

Maybe I’m just to needy.  While I desire nothing more than being providing service to him,  I have to have something to service.  I have to feel like I’m wanted and desired.

The things that originally attracted me to him were his willingness for communication and desire to be friends as well as be my Master.  He offered guidance and to mentor me, and our kinks matched up pretty well.

And it was fun!  I looked forward to talking to him on a regular basis.  I enjoyed dressing how he wanted me too and trying to please him.  He was always reassuring and supportive.  He pushed me and helped me explore myself in ways I never thought another person could do.   I LIKED him.

Real life gets busy, I get that.  And I keep telling myself that I’m just being too needy, but I question it more and more.  I’m still learning and trying to gain confidence in myself.  I’m still unsure that I do things right and I’m really hard on myself to try to be good.  I feel like I did something wrong and I just haven’t been told.

The first thing we talked about was communication.  It was that important to me.  I don’t require a lot of it, I just don’t want to feel forgotten.  And that’s how I feel right now.  A message a day saying I’m tired and nothing else isn’t communication.  Especially after some pretty lengthy end of day messages I’ve sent, or questions I’ve asked with no reply.  Or even, the fact that I haven’t sent any lengthy messages, pretty much breaking my rules.  Still nothing.

That’s okay though, it’s been a real eye opener for me.  I’m not sure I’m ready for this.  Not at this level anyway.  Maybe I need to step back and reevaluate things, decide what is important to me and move a bit slower with things.

I feel like I’m being too needy, but is it really asking that much to need to feel wanted.

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Life.

While so far I haven’t missed a day with a photo (it is only day 4), I feel like I have neglected writing.  Sometimes I type up something to post, only to find that the words don’t properly represent my thoughts.  The past week has not afforded too many experiences to write about in this journey, but it has produced some pretty exciting things in my every day life.  Despite my wishes and desires, this world, and my journey is an online only adventure.  At least for now, no one knows what the future holds I guess.

The past week have been very busy for life for both my Master and myself, and sometimes life just gets in the way of fun.  But in the mean time, I have really enjoyed this photo challenged that I joined in on.  It makes me feel sexy to take pictures of myself, or to dress up in lingerie.  To see other people’s submissions provide inspiration and all this helps me grow and become more comfortable with all these new thoughts and ideas floating around in my head.

While these types of things aren’t as fun for others too read, it is still part of my journey.  So here I am, I’ll make a vow to myself to document my journey better, even when it doesn’t mean a sexy story from my own experience.  Maybe something someone else posted made me feel a certain way or invoked thoughts or ideas.

Good night.

Today has been a weird day for me. This is actually the second post I’ve typed, though the other one ended up being a little to personal and was filed away as private.

Today I’ve struggled. I don’t really know what I’ve struggled with or why. I have a lot of issues, and often I’m over emotional about them. It wasn’t a bad day, just not a day I that I felt like I was even a glimpse of a representative of my true self.

To struggle without a clear reason makes it hard to move past, often I need a good nights sleep and just a chance to start over fresh the next day. I guess everyone has the right to a bad day.

It’s days like today that the little things matter the most. Things that we don’t even realize matter most of the time, which are often the things we fail to appreciate.

Some times it’s the things we do every single day that we don’t really think even matter. This small caring gestures that become normalcy. Like the good morning, and good night text I get nearly everyday.

Today, one simple thing made my day. He told me good night.