Thoughts.

While recovering from surgery and essentially out of order in the sexual department for a few days I’m left with nothing to do but think.

So it’s been about a month into this journey for me. It’s been a month that I’ve questioned a lot of things about myself. I’ve doubted myself and I’ve pushed myself and I’ve made choices that I never thought I’d make. All in all I’d say that I’ve landed right where I want to be at this point in my journey.

When I decided to embark on this journey there was someone who very quickly jumped in and was willing to help me along. And while he was fun and gave me several things to really push myself with, he wasn’t really a fit for me I decided very quickly. While deciding that I wanted more from my journey I found an ad, an ad that intrigued me. I kept going back and reading this ad, several times a day for several days. I wanted what was written in this ad, this person appealed to me on all levels, though I did not feel worthy enough to reply to the ad.

I finally decided that it couldn’t hurt to try and the worst that could happen is I wouldn’t get a response. So I typed up my reply. My reply was rather lengthy as I almost felt comfortable with this person before we had ever spoken. I didn’t really know what was expected in a response to an ad, but I just tried to paint a picture of my desires to him. I hoped to demonstrate in this one letter that I may be a fit for what he was looking for. I was hoping for a chance.

Later that day, he responded and our kinks have matched up pretty well. It’s nice to be able to have an intelligent conversation with someone, on top of having some pretty kinky conversations. It’s like the best of both worlds, very fulfilling to me. I consider myself lucky to be called his slave.

So here I am, I have a Master that I’m very happy with. I’m very pleased with my very short journey so far. But I find myself still questioning things.

Is it normal for me to trust someone to the point that I’d almost break my limits for them?
I mean, I do have a few hard limits, and those remain firm. It’s the floating limits, the things I don’t particular like or I’m not sure of. I think it could find myself enjoying them, for him. I find myself enjoying great pleasure simply by pleasing him.

My sexual desires seems to have increased tremendously. Is this normal? And will it stay that way? Is there things I can do to keep myself this excited?
While I’d love to be his insatiable horny slut for ever, I almost feel like this is will wear off at some point. Is there a way to keep the new feeling from wearing off, and to enjoy it this much for ever?

How can I be a better slave?
While I know no one can answer this question for me, I still lingers in my head. I think my Master and I have a pretty good open communication and he is always very reassuring and kind. It’s more of a personal desire, not something I think is lacking. Maybe “be better” isn’t the correct wording, I want to grow as his slave. I want to be better, I want to learn, I want to be pushed, I want to be taught, I want to be held accountable, I want to be punished. But most of all I want to please him, I want him to be proud of me.

I feel like this has all been a missing piece to my puzzle. It’s something I’ve thought about and wanted for a long, long time. But I think it’s more than a want, I think it’s a need. I think that I need this in my life to feel complete.

These are just a few of the thoughts currently swimming around in my brain. I’ve always been one to think a lot, mostly overthinking things. My narcotic induced state has really made my thinker go into over drive. But, on the plus side, it’s produced some pretty vivid dreams, if only I could remember those.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s